I am finally working on RYM again. I had to take a break from it for a bit because I was really getting burnt out on it. After many months of setting still for hours and tweaking settings, making the website and getting products to market I had gotten tired. Life began to feel meaningless and way too challenging for myself to handle. In this article I am going to explain what has happened and what I have been working on otherwise.
I have begun speaking with a therapist and it’s something that I highly encourage to anyone who feels that their problems are out of their own control to seek help. Luckily I have health insurance which covers therapy, it’s expensive. I know there’s a lot of other people out there who can’t afford it so I would like to offer myself to all of you. I am not an expert but I’m not above trying to help you work through your problems, just as I have been wanting for myself for years.
While speaking to my therapist, she noticed right off the bat the kind of person I am. I have anxiety. I didn’t like this diagnosis but I suppose it’s better to be rational than to be ignore ideas and never grow, so I accepted it. I used to say that I got nervous a lot but it really does make a major impact on my life. She said the reason why my anxiety hasn’t been as bad in recent past is that I apparently have built a very comfortable routine and shell around myself to prevent this existential fear from permeating my existence.
That made so much sense that it frightened me. I have always wanted to be a person that wants to be a big deal and one that wants to be remembered for years after death, not minutes and not just by my family. I can’t do that if I’m crippled with anxiety. Therapy is going to help me push myself into a new life slowly and I’m excited for it.
The computer that I had always used for my work has finally called it quits. While it’s still technically functional, being 8 years old really puts a damper on things. Props to Apple though for make a really strong and functional product that will last your a long time.
What really made me decide to retire it was the battery. It had began to expand which is a bad sign for lithium batteries. Over time it could be a major fire hazard so it’s best to not ignore it and replace it. Well, the battery that I had bought to replace my original one turned out to be a knockoff. To get a really good macbook battery would cost about $100. Instead of spending that money on such an old machine I opted instead to make a wise financial decision and just build myself a new computer. That came with so many challenges.
At first I was a bit excited but the reality set in. I’m not going to be able to use MacOS anymore. That means every single tool that I had in my arsenal will now be defunct. I used to use Logic Pro X for audio production and Pixelmator for my graphic design work. Well not anymore.
I hate Windows with a passion so I tried for a very long while to get a viable linux installation. A lot of the software is open source and free but between you and me, doesn’t work for sh*t. What really blows is basically having to be a computer fiend to give a shit enough to try and get this to work properly. What took about 5 minutes to set up on MacOS takes about 2 to 3 days on linux. My audio interface, while technically supported, ran into so many problems. I eventually got it working but the audio software for Linux just sucks fat c*cks. It’s confusing and assumes you’re a genius. Others may argue otherwise but for me, I just want the damn software to work. I don’t want to sit there and go on an information excursion to try and get this program working. It was fun at first because I like challenges but it got old very fast.
So I use Windows now. I hate it, but it’s nice that stuff just works. Now I use Adobe Illustrator. I haven’t decided on a DAW yet but I’m thinking either protools or ableton will do nicely. I tried FL studios but I’m not a beat producer so a lot of the features were just pointless and annoying to me.
My position at the company had been eliminated on a grand scale. Instead of assembly being handled in-house, a third party company was going to take over. I am now a digital personal shopper for people, making more money than I was before. Now, I don’t have unlimited responsibility for everything that happens and that’s a breath of fresh air. I really like my coworkers and I fit in very well with them. It’s strange because I’ve never felt a strong sense of belonging before. I hate my job still. I hate the fact that so many people get bent out of shape over the smallest problems, as if it is the end of the world if your brand of K-cup is out of stock (happened today). It’s just all so pointless and I can’t shake this feeling. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep and the REM deficit I’ve been under but I’m just so unmotivated to give a sh*t. Calling it a dead end job would be a compliment but would be pretty apt because I feel like if I don’t get it together and build a real career then I may end up dead myself.
Maybe I should schedule another appointment..
There’s no stranger thing to come back to a project after many weeks of not being actively working on it. It’s like coming back to work after a very long weekend, only times one hundred. Over time the self doubt really sets in, am I still going to be up to the challenge as before? Am I still going to be able to make this project into something like I saw before? I have fallen victim to these mental pitfalls which only served to extend my hiatus even further. I began to feel a deep sense of fear as time went on, which was only exacerbated when thoughts of today’s fast economic ecosystem came into play. With Instagram and various other social media, if you’re not constantly in everyone’s face, the algorithm won’t give you the light of day. Instagram is especially bad because if you don’t pay for promotion it only shows a portion of your followers your content, decreasing your like ratio and viability for algorithmic favoritism.
Things are changing in my mind a lot. I realize I really just hate this capitalistic rat race in the dog eat dog world. Everyone is just so vain and lacking empathy. Maybe I’m just a jealous hypocrite that wishes he could be as good as others at their craft. I dunno.
I’m back though. It’s going to be a slow start of course because I have to relearn what I did before with ease and agility. I think my new art style is going to go well with my audience and I’m excited for the new possibilities that come with it.
Life may be pointless, but you are not. RYM isn’t just an art project to sell shirts and make a million dollars, It’s about connecting those who are hurting so we can overcome our problems and be stronger for it. That is something I will stand by until the day I die.