It's been a while

Posted by Jaye Ward on

Admittedly, this feels a little strange.

When I closed down the store before I never thought I would be bringing back. In this post I’m going to explain why I did what I did and why I’m doing what I am now.

In Short

I was in bad living situation before which caused me to close the store down and focus on other things. Now I have more free time, money, and inspiration to do what I truly want. The store is going to be heavily focused on my music and production work with other bands but will still have the occasional fun / goth shirt.

If you would like to know the full story, please read below.


The Previous Situation

For a little while there, life was extremely tough. It’s like every single facet of my life was littered with pain and sadness. My job was beating me down every single day, my living situation was ripping at my psyche, and my partner was very unsupportive of the life I was trying to live.

Here’s how it went:

Everything was going pretty well for the first month of moving into a new place. I was really scared about being able to afford it and not having that safety net because I was 3 hours away from home. I left all of my friends and family behind to try and start a new life with my then girlfriend. Everything was going fine though. I had a new job lined up, we were all getting along and my bills were being paid on time. And then it got really sh*tty.

It was next to impossible to sleep. Our neighbors upstairs had children. If you have ever lived in an apartment you already know exactly where I’m going with this. I’m talking, 10 pm to 2 am sometimes, constant running, jumping and slamming down stuff on the floors. Sometimes they would hit the floor so hard that our walls would shake. We even had paintings fall off the walls because of it. My job required me to be up at 4 am every day so you can imagine why this would be an issue. I got recordings of it all and sent them to the front office. (I still have them if you’re interested in hearing it). In those recordings you could hear the kids yelling from the balcony at pedestrians. There was even a point where they started throwing all of their toys off of the top floor and into the parking lot. Our apartment complex essentially couldn’t do anything despite the massive amounts of complaints they had accrued. It wasn’t their fault though, there was an eviction moratorium and strict laws. These people didn’t care either. We could hear them arguing quite a bit so I know for a fact they didn’t care.

I think the lack of sleep was a major catalyst for all of the next situations.

We all started having problems with one another. I started to hate my girlfriend. I started to hate my roommates except for one. You know who you are. (There were 5 of us in a 3 bedroom apartment at the end). Due to my desperation surrounding my finances, I began going to online school to find a better career. I would work for 9 hours per day, 5 days a week and then study for 3 hours after that. While I was trying to focus on writing music, because that’s my real passion, it felt like most of my roommates didn’t respect me. They would constantly have people over in the living room, yelling and having the TV at high enough volume that it was impossible to think. Every time I think of their voices I immediately get all kinds of p*ssed off. I eventually was able to work with this by listening to white noise while I was studying. But this wasn’t the end of it. 

We had a male roommate and I really had high hopes for us being friends. We had very similar interests and humor. We didn’t really know each other too well prior to moving in but now I can definitely say I know him well enough that I absolutely despise him. I had sat down with him multiple times to try and work through our differences but it was a constant battle of the egos. I wasn’t even trying to be the top dog, I just wanted to know my needs were respected. He wanted the entire household to live exactly how he wanted, no wiggle room. I just wanted what’s best for everyone since we’re all paying for it.

I think this guy was a major reason why my relationship ended and why I eventually moved out. Not because of him alone, but because of the light it shed on my place in my girlfriend’s world.

I had gotten into many arguments with him, even evolving into swearing at each other. One time it got so bad that I had to take an hour to walk outside and calm down. My girlfriend was sitting right next to him while he was being rude to me and never stood up for me once. She never texted me to ask where I went, and afterwards never even mentioned it. She always said I was in the wrong for starting arguments with him even if it was because he was treating me like dog sh*t. They had been friends since they were in school over 5 years ago, so I can understand why you might side with your friend over your boyfriend of 2 years but damn girl. At one point one of my own best friends was getting annoyed that I was spending so much time with her and not hanging out with him (purely understandable). In that situation I straight up told him that I was trying to build a life with her (bad move, bros before hoes). I guess that same sort of treatment wasn’t given for me. I gave up my friends and my life to move across the state to her hometown yet she couldn’t help me out in the slightest when it came to arguments with her friends. I never asked her to stop being friends with them, just to help me out when things got tough. At one point she even claimed I did try to ask her that. What I told her was “Well it sounds you care more about how he feels than how I feel”. It took a lot for me to say that. I was straight up telling her “I need help. I need support. Can you please just help me a little bit at all? Please?” to which she would respond “Yeah that sounds kind of rough” or essentially “Suck it up”.

Her and I stopped doing things together and even stopped speaking for even days at a time. I realized that I didn’t really enjoy spending time with her, or doing the things she liked. (Yes, I’m well aware sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do in a relationship, I’m not retarded. But there was literally nothing we did together that was enjoyable except watching 30 Days In. Great show btw). She used to try doing things I liked as well, but stopped before I did.

It got to the point where I would hate seeing her car pull up into the complex. I hated hearing her voice and all of her friend’s voices. I decided to try and confide in one of her friends before it all got bad because I felt I could trust her. To make a long story short, she straight up told her everything, but I didn’t know until the very end of the relationship. 

One day I came home from work and she had the day off. She told me, with tears in her eyes, “I’m not happy”. I was very honest with her and said “That makes sense, because I’m not either”. She then began to outline every single fault I had, while I sat there, numb from a particularly rough day at work. I didn’t do the same to her though, except when she called me out on something that she was also doing to me. Admittedly I started crying, not because I was sad the relationship was ending, but just because I had enough of this and was just ready to get out.

It wasn’t all bad though. I met some awesome people at my job, some of the best in the world I’ll admit. Despite the job being exceptionally awful, we all still found ways to joke around and have fun. I felt more accepted working in my crappy job, than I did being at home.

It was because of all of this going on that I wasn’t able to give the care and attention to RYM as I wanted. I stand by what I said. It was never a goal of mine to own a clothing company. But I knew what I could do in the future if I had the opportunity, more on that later.

I talked to my coworkers and one especially great woman who I knew I could trust. She suggested I move back home. It was at this point I decided to speak to my therapist about the way things were going. She told me to get out. I wanted to hold on and maybe build some character but she told me when the situations are this toxic, they can only break you. And break me it did. Thank god my mother was able to accept me back home, and after a few trips back and forth I was able to take everything I had back. 

I can finally sleep. I can focus when I need to focus. I don’t feel like I’m a huge burden just by existing. I don’t get into constant arguments anymore. My mother and I now have the best relationship we’ve ever had. Life is chill. Now I have more free time and money than I ever have. I was given a full time position with my current job, and I pay less for a living space.

One thing that was great about being there was the inspirations I had for my music. It was truly my escape. Since my girlfriend and I would share a room, she would lay on the bed and watch tik tok, while I was working on music. It was during this time I wrote two tracks for my upcoming EP, Separations and On The Horizon. She didn’t know it at the time, but both of these tracks were born out of my dislike for her and my readiness to break up. Keep in mind this was before I even decided to move back home. Because of this situation, my music has been placed in the highest realm of importance to me. This is why I’m reopening RYM.

I’m going to be focusing less on shirt designs, and more on merchandise for my project. There still will be designs every so often but the majority will be in relation to my music. I even already have a name picked out. “Jaye Ward and the Apprehensives”. 

I am so excited for the future of my music and can’t wait for the new people I will meet and the places I will go because of it.

In conclusion, if you’re unhappy in a relationship or your living situation, try talking to someone else about it. It is possible that it is your fault, but it’s also possible that it’s not. You need an unbiased ear to make sure and figure out the real problem. But even if you try and try to make it work and it’s not, move on. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy and doesn’t support you. Don’t stay with them if you give them a high importance in your life and they don’t do the same for you. You deserve to feel special, you deserve to have someone that you can be comfortable sitting in silence with and you deserve to have your needs met, to a reasonable degree. 

Oh yeah, and under no circumstances should you give up your entire life, and move away from all of your friends and family unless you are 100% certain about your partner and your future together.

Learn from my mistakes, because I did. I will literally never forget the past 6 months as long as I am sentient and without mental disability.